Because of my job... I'm afraid to have a baby

[LeeshyLeesh]

So, I know this may not be Disney related, and I am very new to this board, but I have personally found that Disney lovers of all shapes and colors have been some of the most relateable people. And if this is not allowed on this board, I truly apologize and please remove.

It's kind of a lot of explanation, but here is goes!

So my husband and I are thinking about having a baby for the first time in our lives. We are ready emotionally and financially and all but my biggest concern is my job. My job is nearly impossible to request off of work and you are punished pretty bad if you don't use your sick/vacation days properly. Instead of having sick and vacation days my company combines all of the hours together and call it "unileave." I do qualify for FMLA but we only get 8 weeks of maternity leave. I have had ovarian cancer before and I lost a couple of "pieces" that would allow me to have a child but would probably put me on bed-rest about a month before I am due. The doctors also have given me a timeline to allow me have children and the end of the line is coming up. But that isn't even the part I am too afraid of. At my office, we are only given 2 10 minute breaks to pump and at the moment there are about 5 ladies that are pumping. They have to sign out a time in the broom closet they have set up for girls to pump and a lot of them can't do it in only 10 minutes. So, if they go over, the office takes that time out of their unileave. Another issue I am scared of if that if there is an issue, I can't leave. If our child gets sick or something happens at work, my husband has to leave his job and take care of it. If I leave early more than three times in a 6 month period, it is considered a write up and I will no longer be qualified for promotions if I have write ups within the last 6 months of when the promotion is being considered.

This job is a great job, working for an elected official, and I make good hourly, benefits, and I work a monday-friday position. I work for the DMV. My husband and I can't live off of just his income so me staying home isn't an option. I have asked the opinion of my parents and they always say "you can do whatever you want to do" but it isn't that simple. I am young, only 25, and although I have my entire life ahead of me, our generation should have our priorities straight and a plan for my future. I am also one where I want to have a steady job and one that I can contribute all I have.

Has anyone else been in this position? I feel like my options are to choose my family first and to just to focus on us and to take a big risk of being fired (which I have never been fired from any job, ever) or do we have a child and keep fighting for this job and let my husband take the reins if complications occur. I know this sounds like a silly question, everyone else says "family first" but I do know how hard it is to find a job at my age, making what I do, and not working weekends or holidays.

I am sorry if this is a ridiculous story and I am thinking WAY too much about everything, I just thought I would reach out for some advice from some people who share the same passion I do.

 

[robinb]

So, I know this may not be Disney related, and I am very new to this board, but I have personally found that Disney lovers of all shapes and colors have been some of the most relateable people. And if this is not allowed on this board, I truly apologize and please remove.

It's kind of a lot of explanation, but here is goes!

So my husband and I are thinking about having a baby for the first time in our lives. We are ready emotionally and financially and all but my biggest concern is my job. My job is nearly impossible to request off of work and you are punished pretty bad if you don't use your sick/vacation days properly. Instead of having sick and vacation days my company combines all of the hours together and call it "unileave." I do qualify for FMLA but we only get 8 weeks of maternity leave. I have had ovarian cancer before and I lost a couple of "pieces" that would allow me to have a child but would probably put me on bed-rest about a month before I am due. The doctors also have given me a timeline to allow me have children and the end of the line is coming up. But that isn't even the part I am too afraid of. At my office, we are only given 2 10 minute breaks to pump and at the moment there are about 5 ladies that are pumping. They have to sign out a time in the broom closet they have set up for girls to pump and a lot of them can't do it in only 10 minutes. So, if they go over, the office takes that time out of their unileave. Another issue I am scared of if that if there is an issue, I can't leave. If our child gets sick or something happens at work, my husband has to leave his job and take care of it. If I leave early more than three times in a 6 month period, it is considered a write up and I will no longer be qualified for promotions if I have write ups within the last 6 months of when the promotion is being considered.

This job is a great job, working for an elected official, and I make good hourly, benefits, and I work a monday-friday position. I work for the DMV. My husband and I can't live off of just his income so me staying home isn't an option. I have asked the opinion of my parents and they always say "you can do whatever you want to do" but it isn't that simple. I am young, only 25, and although I have my entire life ahead of me, our generation should have our priorities straight and a plan for my future. I am also one where I want to have a steady job and one that I can contribute all I have.

Has anyone else been in this position? I feel like my options are to choose my family first and to just to focus on us and to take a big risk of being fired (which I have never been fired from any job, ever) or do we have a child and keep fighting for this job and let my husband take the reins if complications occur. I know this sounds like a silly question, everyone else says "family first" but I do know how hard it is to find a job at my age, making what I do, and not working weekends or holidays.

I am sorry if this is a ridiculous story and I am thinking WAY too much about everything, I just thought I would reach out for some advice from some people who share the same passion I do.

I'm confused. Do you work for an elected official or do you work for the DMV? In any case, you're young yet and your biological clock is no where near the end. It sounds as if your current position is pretty inflexible. Sadly, we women often have to make these kinds of choices between family and career. Can you change laterally within the state government into a different department with different rules?

 

[LeeshyLeesh]

I work for the Tax Collector, who is an elected official. We just perform all the DMV work for Florida. And my biological clock is ticking, because of my cancer, the doctors predict my cancer could come back by the time I am 25. I am so sorry if I was confusing in my post, I was trying to see through the tears. I have looked into other parts of the Florida government as well, most of them require more experience than I have. But I have been afraid to apply because if it doesn't work out, I do not want my employer to know I had been looking for a different position.

 

[jtobykrauss]

As a person who has had my share of fertility issues (now have twins) I will say this, if being a mother is your dream and you are on a clock, then you should follow your dream. Because you are on a clock once the clock runs out then then the choice has been made for you. If your husband has the flexibility in his job to leave if something comes up then it sounds like you have a way to make it or you could hire a nanny over daycare that way if your child gets sick you are still covered. Are your parents close by maybe they could help out?

 

[JediBonas]

Honestly (and unfortunately) it sounds like you need to make a choice if you want to have children or not. If you're on a tight deadline due to potential cancer it sounds like you either need to deal with all the potential issues with work or put off not having children and possibly never have them. Have you thought about freezing embryos? Not sure with your history if the drugs to do IVF would be recommended but it's a shot to put off trying to get pregnant until you're in a better position job-wise.

 

[Magic Band Defender]

*IF* you and your husband really want children, that is what I'd do. No career or income can replace it.

 

[robinb]

I work for the Tax Collector, who is an elected official. We just perform all the DMV work for (my state). And my biological clock is ticking, because of my cancer, the doctors predict my cancer could come back by the time I am 25. I am so sorry if I was confusing in my post, I was trying to see through the tears. I have looked into other parts of the (my state) government as well, most of them require more experience than I have. But I have been afraid to apply because if it doesn't work out, I do not want my employer to know I had been looking for a different position.

You may want to remove your location from your user profile since it's really easy for someone to figure out exactly where you work. I will edit my post and remove the name of the state.

So, the doctors told you that your ovarian cancer would probably come back by age 25 and you are now 25. I can see why you would want to start to try to get pregnant ASAP. I don't mean to be flippant, but you have a lot more to worry about than if you have enough time to pump at work. I understand that it can be very difficult to become pregnant after ovarian cancer and then often only with a specialist's help. Does your health insurance cover that kind of thing? Also, heaven forbid, what would you do if the cancer does come back? When you're pregnant? After the baby is born? Is your husband ready for the possibility of being a caretaker for you and a baby? A single dad? It is a lot to think about. Perhaps a website for ovarian cancer survivors would be a better place to ask your question. Plenty of women have become pregnant after being treated for cancer and gone on to lead full and healthy lives with their kids. {{hugs}} My best wishes going out to you so you can do the same.

 

[Kingdome8]

Can u be fired for having a kid? Nope.
I don't really under stand. People have baby's and have complications all the time. Don't think u can be fired. fmla is to protect parents I thought.

 

[LeeshyLeesh]

Thank you all so much for your responses, you are correct Robin, I should be more focused on the chances of my cancer coming back than the chances of me losing my job.

 

[sharona]

There's always another job somewhere. If you really want a baby and are ready, don't let anything stop you.

 

[LeeshyLeesh]

Thank you Sharona! I just appreciate you all reading my long silly story!

 

[mommasita]

Your story is not silly in the least.. Giant hugs to you.

You have been through so much for a young woman, I can't even imagine the worry about a job over pregnancy... I am sorry that has to be another worry..
The decision is most definitely one that has to be made between yourself and your husband..

I would love to say I wouldn't put a job over a baby, but it is always easy to say when it isn't you in the position..

The one thing I would think is to put yourself ten years older and what would be the most important, the job or raising a child.... Which would complete you so to say..

 

[LeeshyLeesh]

Your story is not silly in the least.. Giant hugs to you.

You have been through so much for a young woman, I can't even imagine the worry about a job over pregnancy... I am sorry that has to be another worry..
The decision is most definitely one that has to be made between yourself and your husband..

I would love to say I wouldn't put a job over a baby, but it is always easy to say when it isn't you in the position..

The one thing I would think is to put yourself ten years older and what would be the most important, the job or raising a child.... Which would complete you so to say..

Thank you so incredibly much! You're right, I need to think about my future and what truly matters to me. I can't thank you all enough for this advice, you all have been more helpful than anyone else I've tried to talk to. I love Disnerds!

 

[Christine]

I was somewhat in your position. My employer was a bit more forgiving but: I couldn't quit my job, I had *no* maternity benefits, I had daycare issues, etc. You name it.

I did manage to have two children. I would *never* suggest you give up children because of your job but do realize that as much as someone might say it...you often CANNOT have it all.

One thing I was unable to do while working was to breast feed. I did it on maternity leave and I did was I could, but I also used formula. It's a compromise and it's not a bad one. Plenty of fine people were not exclusively breastfed. You don't HAVE to insist on it. There's one problem taken care of.

The rest of it is difficult, but not impossible. It does not have to be one or the other. But realize that if you need to work and must have that job, you can still have children but it won't be the perfection that you thought you might have. And that's okay.

 

[LeeshyLeesh]

I was somewhat in your position. My employer was a bit more forgiving but: I couldn't quit my job, I had *no* maternity benefits, I had daycare issues, etc. You name it.

I did manage to have two children. I would *never* suggest you give up children because of your job but do realize that as much as someone might say it...you often CANNOT have it all.

One thing I was unable to do while working was to breast feed. I did it on maternity leave and I did was I could, but I also used formula. It's a compromise and it's not a bad one. Plenty of fine people were not exclusively breastfed. You don't HAVE to insist on it. There's one problem taken care of.

The rest of it is difficult, but not impossible. It does not have to be one or the other. But realize that if you need to work and must have that job, you can still have children but it won't be the perfection that you thought you might have. And that's okay.

Thank you so so so much! This was wonderful to read. you're completely right when you said I just need to compramise And figure out my priorities thank you for that

 

[phinz]

FWIW, federal law dictates that you get 12 weeks of FMLA, but it can be combined with maternity leave and must be taken as continuous leave for maternity leave, so 4 weeks of bedrest before birth would still leave you 8 weeks post partum if you've not used any intermittent FMLA prior.

The rest of the rules from your employer sound Draconian. Please keep looking for something else that would give you the leeway to follow your dream.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Pumping in the broom closet? Wow. Where I work there are rooms exclusively for pumping which have all the comforts of home, and women are given all the time they need to pump. Geesh. It doesn't sound like your employer is family friendly. All I can say is, there are plenty of fish in the sea when it comes to jobs, that's not the only one. I realize you probably were "lucky" to get that one, but please don't let that hold you back from having children.

Having a child is one of the greatest joys in life. You realize after you start a family that it's not uncommon for your priorities to change. So many things happen in life, but you go with the flow and try to balance things out. When you picture yourself as a retiree, how do you envision it? Alone with your pension? Or surrounded by children and grandchildren? These are the questions we asked ourselves when we were on the fence too.

You were so young to have ovarian cancer, and I'm sorry. I am a breast cancer survivor myself. Fortunately, I had it at a later age than you, but what is still considered relatively young. My two children were five years old when I was diagnosed. It was one of the hardest things about having cancer, ie thoughts of my children. It changed my priorities around, and helped me to see with great clarity what my most important mission in life is. It was hard to sit in my yearly evaluations and convey that to my bosses, but fortunately they understood and respected it. (And naturally when I'm at work I give 100%.) Still is to this day we have those conversations, lol. But I have no regrets whatsoever.

I'm a big believer in things happen for a reason, and think that sometimes we're faced with difficult choices as a means to our greater evolvement. How we operate here and what we do, why we do it, etc, has meaning. So I think it's a good thing to ask yourself these questions about what is really important to you in your life, especially as a young cancer survivor. I initially thought it seemed kind of silly for people who've had serious cancer cases to have children, but then I read about some doctors telling people to go have children as part of their post-treatment plans. Why? Because it gives them a reason for living and for fighting for their lives. Which now makes sense to me. None of us know what's going to happen today or tomorrow. Pick up the paper and you see unfortunate things happen all the time. I don't think we can let it dictate our lives. I met a great woman once who was a cancer survivor too. She gave me one of the best bits of advice I ever got. She said to move forward after cancer with the mindset you're going to live, not going to die. She'd done the latter and made some silly financial decisions believing she was going to die. Well lo and behold she lived, and came to regret her choices later on. None of us have a crystal ball, but we make the best choices we can with the information we have at the time. Sometimes they're right, and sometimes they're not, but hey, that's how it goes. It sounds like your husband is in a good position to be very capable and available in the father role. And that's all I'll say about that. lol.

Good luck with your decisions.

PS I hate going to the DMV!! Ours is gross and depressing.

Oh, and PS my twins were bottle fed, and are now healthy teenagers. DS is an athlete. You don't HAVE to breast feed, necessarily. Do what works for you and your family.

 

[smiths02]

1. FMLA is 12 weeks, since you work in government, I cant imagine they could get away with less? so I don't know if you meant 8 weeks paid or 8 weeks after bedrest? Also, does your DH get FMLA? Do you have other family to help?
2. Pumping...just don't worry about it. Breastfeed and pump when you can, and give the baby formula when you have to...it's okay
3. Daycare...your DH can just be the go to. In our family, my DH can't pick the kids up b/c he has a government car. It hasn't been an issue, and we have 2.5 year old twins. Our closest family is over 3 hours away and they help when they can, but we make it work.
If you want a baby, have one...don't what if yourself to death, just deal with things as they come.
I had things happen in my journey to have kids...miscarriage, NICU stay with my first son, unexpected twins, job hours reduced right after buying a new house and having twins...and you know what? We're fine.
I'm not saying don't plan or dash your career hopes or other life plans, but if having kids was what you wanted, don't let these things get in the way.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

If you want a baby, have one...don't what if yourself to death, just deal with things as they come.

^ this.

You have a lot on your plate! If the timing is right, and it's something you both want, then that's your first step taken care of better than some people! (Like...me! LOL.) I have three kids and during each pregnancy I had a different job, and all three of them we were able to hammer out some kind of arrangement that worked. Even the job where I'd be there crazy hours. It was tough, sometimes, but if parenthood teaches you nothing else, it's how to roll with the punches!

Good luck with whatever you guys decide!

 

[suebeelin]

Can you get disability insurance through work?

You get 12 weeks for job protection via fmla. If you need more, you're not "protected" and guaranteed a job, but if you have disability insurance, you can at least receive that while on bedrest.

Good luck. You're 25 but your timeline is as if you're turning 40.... When I started to approach 40, I realized I would rather have a child than anything else in the world.

I can assure you, when I got preggie at 38, I was scared. Not enough money. What about the future? Everything was an unknown....

Fast forward 6 years. I actually had another child in the meantime. I no longer have a full time job (and I was the primary breadwinner). Is that what I had pictured in my head? No... But you figure it out.

I won't go into too much detail but trust me... Things work out once you have your child. And you will never love anything more. The hiccups in the road will mean nothing when you look back in many years.

Just remember, people poorer or less dedicated than you have kids. And they survive. You can too .