How to get your spouse on board with a vacation

star72232 · Mar 28, 2015

I'm not even talking just Disney here. DH never wants to spend any money on a vacation. We went on our honeymoon 11 years ago (Quebec City, 5 nights, at a B&B, we drove from Toronto). We went to Montreal for 3 nights 2 years ago (the only reason we went was it was for DH's grandparents memorials). We typically go to FIL's cottage for about 5 nights a year (cost - 2 tanks of gas plus a bit extra for groceries on top of our regular grocery bill).

Now, the cottage is nice, but I'm still cooking and cleaning. I want a vacation. We have no debt (no mortgage, no car payments, no student loans). We make decent amounts, nothing crazy but comfortable with savings. And he won't spend money for a vacation. When he again shot down a Florida trip (my parents have a house there - no lodging costs!), I suggested a 2 night stay at Great Wolf Lodge. It's a little over an hour from home. With the spring special is was going to be about $540 for our family (2 adults, 4 kids) for 2 nights (Sunday and Monday). We could take some food, eat out some. As I talked about booking, he shot me down. Again. He's fine spending money on other things, but I'm sure that a lack of desire on his part to leave home means he's unwilling to agree to spend anything on a vacation. Any suggestions? And please, no camping suggestions!

Sleepy425 · Mar 28, 2015

As much as I'd hate to vacation without my husband, I would book a trip with just me and the four kids (hopefully yours are at more manageable ages than mine are). Maybe once he realizes how much fun the five of you have, he will start agreeing to go.
Or do as I do - no consulting, I just book the trips I want to take and send him the confirmation email. He's always happy to go on the trips, he just kind of needs to me to take the reigns and get it all booked.
To be honest, for me traveling is so important that I would be miserable with a husband who wouldn't do it. Let him know that you need time away, something to look forward to. And tell him you would like those plans to include him.

4under4 · Mar 28, 2015

I agree with PP. Book something you want, and then tell him that is important for you that

1.) YOU get a real vacation from time-to-time that does not include needing to cook/clean
2.) it's important for the kids to learn about travel, and get to experience things that are out of their usual routine

If he wants to go once he's seen the plans, make him welcome. If he doesn't, then don't make him feel guilty.

Another "small scale" option is to do day trips or short overnights nearby. We live close to Chicago, so the kids & I have done last minute overnight (super hotel discount) trips a number of times without DH. It always includes museum experiences, which is my best argument for why it's important, but truthfully we love the getaway aspect just as much.

DH isn't stingy about vacations, but his idea a great trip is 10 days in the van going from one national park to another. That's fine sometimes, but it's a lot of work for me, and not very relaxing overall for anyone.

The first time I booked a WDW trip without him he was fine with it... until the kids came home with so many great stories/memories. Since then he insists on going with us, without complaint, because he would rather be with us for these trips than miss out on some of the kids' most memorable experiences.

ronandannette · Mar 28, 2015

star72232 said:
I'm not even talking just Disney here. DH never wants to spend any money on a vacation. We went on our honeymoon 11 years ago (Quebec City, 5 nights, at a B&B, we drove from Toronto). We went to Montreal for 3 nights 2 years ago (the only reason we went was it was for DH's grandparents memorials). We typically go to FIL's cottage for about 5 nights a year (cost - 2 tanks of gas plus a bit extra for groceries on top of our regular grocery bill).

Now, the cottage is nice, but I'm still cooking and cleaning. I want a vacation. We have no debt (no mortgage, no car payments, no student loans). We make decent amounts, nothing crazy but comfortable with savings. And he won't spend money for a vacation. When he again shot down a Florida trip (my parents have a house there - no lodging costs!), I suggested a 2 night stay at Great Wolf Lodge. It's a little over an hour from home. With the spring special is was going to be about $540 for our family (2 adults, 4 kids) for 2 nights (Sunday and Monday). We could take some food, eat out some. As I talked about booking, he shot me down. Again. He's fine spending money on other things, but I'm sure that a lack of desire on his part to leave home means he's unwilling to agree to spend anything on a vacation. Any suggestions? And please, no camping suggestions!

Tough one. Were you interested in travel when you married and knew he wasn't or is it just something that's emerged over time? I'd personally be very dissatisfied never being able to go on real vacations although I wouldn't advise trying to force him. If you both have a fair balance of control over the finances and you can afford it, I'd probably do what PP's have recommended and start planning (and taking) trips without him. It's too bad you won't have shared memories but I'd go alone before I'd just simply give up on ever going at all. :wave2:

Angeejoe · Mar 28, 2015

I think you need to be up front with DH & tell him you need a real vacation & why. If he's still not interested you need to tell him you will be going without him. Maybe you need a honest discussion why he dislikes them. Marriage is all about give & take. It sounds like you have some reasonable options for a couple of vacations, go & have fun. Life is short, vacations are great memories with your kids.

Donnainnj · Mar 28, 2015

star72232 said:
I'm not even talking just Disney here. DH never wants to spend any money on a vacation. We went on our honeymoon 11 years ago (Quebec City, 5 nights, at a B&B, we drove from Toronto). We went to Montreal for 3 nights 2 years ago (the only reason we went was it was for DH's grandparents memorials). We typically go to FIL's cottage for about 5 nights a year (cost - 2 tanks of gas plus a bit extra for groceries on top of our regular grocery bill).

Now, the cottage is nice, but I'm still cooking and cleaning. I want a vacation. We have no debt (no mortgage, no car payments, no student loans). We make decent amounts, nothing crazy but comfortable with savings. And he won't spend money for a vacation. When he again shot down a Florida trip (my parents have a house there - no lodging costs!), I suggested a 2 night stay at Great Wolf Lodge. It's a little over an hour from home. With the spring special is was going to be about $540 for our family (2 adults, 4 kids) for 2 nights (Sunday and Monday). We could take some food, eat out some. As I talked about booking, he shot me down. Again. He's fine spending money on other things, but I'm sure that a lack of desire on his part to leave home means he's unwilling to agree to spend anything on a vacation. Any suggestions? And please, no camping suggestions!

Two choices, I would go without him, or I would tell him it is cheaper then a divorce.( kidding, kind of, about the divorce)

tinkerone · Mar 28, 2015

what I do is tell dh that I am going to (insert name), does he want to come with me. then I look him in the eye till he answers. first time I said this he was kind of shocked, I mean go without him? when he realized I meant to go with or without him he quickly changed his tune. of course he wants to come.
if you make an statement that the money is going to be spent anyways I would bet he would decide to go as well. just stick to your guns and tell him what the plan is. don't ask him what he wants, tell him what your doing.
sounds harsh but it works and makes a statement that you need the rest.
jmo, good luck.

ruadisneyfan2 · Mar 28, 2015

Sleepy425 said:
As much as I'd hate to vacation without my husband, I would book a trip with just me and the four kids (hopefully yours are at more manageable ages than mine are). Maybe once he realizes how much fun the five of you have, he will start agreeing to go.
Or do as I do - no consulting, I just book the trips I want to take and send him the confirmation email. He's always happy to go on the trips, he just kind of needs to me to take the reigns and get it all booked.
To be honest, for me traveling is so important that I would be miserable with a husband who wouldn't do it. Let him know that you need time away, something to look forward to. And tell him you would like those plans to include him.

I could have written this myself. I don't ask anymore. Sometimes dh joins us, sometimes he's "parked out" or "cruised out".
He doesn't need nearly as many breaks as I do but he understands my job is very long & stressful. I get up at 5:30am and get home at 5:30pm, working with women facing breast cancer or think that they might have it. I come home physically and mentally drained. No such thing as snow days. Some of my coworkers with a more difficult commute than mine get up at 3am to get to work on time when it snows.
He better not dare to tell me I don't need a vacation! :crutches:

I've loved to travel since I got out of college so he knew this when we met. Seriously I don't think I would have married him if he didn't enjoy traveling (or Disney!) I put him to the test while we were dating.
Dh has things that he is passionate about so when he spends money on those things I don't gripe.

Good luck to you!

ETA: Unless you truly WANT to stay at your parent's house in FL I would also tell him you want a real hotel so someone else can deal with making beds and taking out trash.

a742246 · Mar 29, 2015

Does your husband suffer from anxiety about leaving home?

wenrob · Mar 29, 2015

My DH was like this. To him vacation was visiting his Dad/Family for a week. When my oldest was six I again started with taking a vacation and he said, "But we go on vacation!" I said, "Do you really think me tiptoeing around your Dad (he doesn't like me for whatever reason) for a week is a vacation for me?" The look of realization on his face was priceless. *He* was getting a vacation, I was not. We went to Disneyland that year and have had a vacation almost every year since. (there were a couple years where it wasn't a financially sound decision and year where my Dad was hospitalized and I couldn't bring myself to go) We still went to his Dad's (until they had a falling out) but we also now have a REAL family vacation and as far as I can tell, he enjoys them.

I was fully prepared to take my DD on my own but it never came to even having to discuss that once I pointed out *I* wasn't getting a vacation at all. Show him that's its financially feasible and point out *you* would like a vacation too. If he doesn't come around then seriously consider taking the kids on your own. It's not fair to the rest of you to not get a vacation because he doesn't want to.

bsbrady · Mar 29, 2015

Go alone and let him know what a great time you had :yay:

star72232 · Mar 29, 2015

a742246 said:
Does your husband suffer from anxiety about leaving home?

There's definitely some of that playing into it. He will not fly.

Traveling with 4 kids between 2 and 9 by myself doesn't feel like much of a vacation either.

Leaving some of them behind and only taking one or two isn't an option - I only work part time so we can not pay daycare. The ages of the kids and lack of daycare mean unless I go with all of them, I can't go.

Kayabee · Mar 29, 2015

Luckily my dh is always on board for vacations so I don't have to try at all. In your case, I'd just sit down with him and tell him you really need to get away. If he doesn't understand then maybe you can find a girl friend and just do a ladies long weekend somewhere relaxing and tropical.
Just saw your last post, you don't have any family that could help with the kids for a couple days? Or a local teen babysitter?

star72232 · Mar 29, 2015

Kayabee said:
Luckily my dh is always on board for vacations so I don't have to try at all. In your case, I'd just sit down with him and tell him you really need to get away. If he doesn't understand then maybe you can find a girl friend and just do a ladies long weekend somewhere relaxing and tropical.
Just saw your last post, you don't have any family that could help with the kids for a couple days? Or a local teen babysitter?

Although it's not tropical, I do go away for a long weekend in May each year to the Poconos with some friends. It works because it's a long weekend in Canada, so I leave on Friday after he gets home from work and I'm back Monday. What I really want is a family vacation, with him involved.

goingtowdwwithkiddos · Mar 29, 2015

We go on vacation about once a year (visiting family doe not count). I have taken my 3 kids to Oregon, Idaho, Wisconsin etc alone for spring break when DH can't get off or doesn't want to go. I have flown with all 3 many times I think a car ride is completely doable. My oldest is 15 now but we went when my youngest was under 1 and oldest 10. If I can fly and make it through security surely you can drive with 4 for a few nights away. I love family vacations but with only the kids it is sometimes nice I only have to worry about what they want to eat etc and not DH. Plan
take them someplace fun and totally invite DH if he wants to join.

Kayabee · Mar 29, 2015

star72232 said:
Although it's not tropical, I do go away for a long weekend in May each year to the Poconos with some friends. It works because it's a long weekend in Canada, so I leave on Friday after he gets home from work and I'm back Monday. What I really want is a family vacation, with him involved.

Just try to talk to him and let him know how important it is for you, maybe he'll come around.

Gumbo4x4 · Mar 29, 2015

Ugh, I'm struggling with DW on this right now. We prepaid for part of our 2015 trip already & she's having a fit because we got stuck with some unexpected medical & dental bills. Yet, she's online EVERY single day shopping for clothes. Sorry, I work hard for my check & I get at least some say in how it's spent. And we ARE going on this trip. We can afford it.

ruadisneyfan2 · Mar 29, 2015

star72232 said:
There's definitely some of that playing into it. He will not fly.

Traveling with 4 kids between 2 and 9 by myself doesn't feel like much of a vacation either. Leaving some of them behind and only taking one or two isn't an option - I only work part time so we can not pay daycare. The ages of the kids and lack of daycare mean unless I go with all of them, I can't go.

Is it possible to take a train? It might be long but it would be way easier than driving. At least with a train you can get up and walk around and don't have to deal with the stress of driving all the way from Canada. I have a good friend who had fear of flying and really there's nothing anyone could do or say to convince her otherwise. She had flown often, even going to Greece many times as a child but once she had kids she couldn't shake it. Now that she's a grandmother she finally tried it again and is slowly getting better at it.
I would never suggest not taking ALL of your children unless one felt like "been there, done that" and was wanting to opt out. (My ds18 is like that now.) Obviously not an option with little ones.
As pp mentioned, do you have extended family that might be wanting to join you? A close friend, grandparent or aunt/uncle to your children? We have done both and it's a nice way to spend time with relatives & friends that we don't usually get to spend much time with. It's also another set (or 2) of adult hands and eyes to help you.

antmaril · Mar 29, 2015

Do you have a sister/friend/cousin who could go with you and the children? I think it is very important that you take a "real" vacation, even if your husband doesn't want to go. You have been married 11 years and have not vacationed much (even though you would like to). He does not have more of a vote than you do. He doesn't have more clout -- you are equals in the marriage. If he doesn't want to go (which is his preference), then find another way. Tell him how important it is to you and that you are going with or without him -- his choice. Then, go!

Here's another idea since he doesn't want to travel, let him take a week off to watch the children and you go with a friend. Obviously, the ideal vacation would be all of you as a family, but he doesn't want to do that.

Good luck!

Chelley00 · Mar 29, 2015

My stepdad doesn't like to vacation. He likes to stay at home with the dogs and go to their lake cottage to fish. That's it. We've started inviting my mom to vacation with us. He's happy he doesn't have to leave and my mom gets to travel (and spend time with her grandkids!) She's also started going places with friends, usually just a weekend or an overnight. Some people are just more comfortable at home.

How to get your spouse on board with a vacation

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